NEW!
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THE CURD-CANNON™ CONFETTI LAUNCHER
Load with fresh squeakers. Fire into the front row. Watch security file an incident report about dairy.
- Range: half the floor of The Sylvee*
- Works at Brat Fest AND Kohl Center**
- FDA: "please stop calling us"
"I proposed mid-encore. She said yes. Then she slipped on a curd." —Todd M., Waunakee
$29.99 or 2 lbs. of aged cheddar
*Range shrinks when humidity hits "lake effect." **Do not aim at the drummer. Curds may fuse into a single bowling-ball of Colby by set three.
Parody Ad
12 VINYL FOR 1¢
THE FROZEN LAKE RECORD CLUB • SHIPS ON ICE • NO THAWING ALLOWED*
✂ YES! Drill a hole and enroll. Pick 12 (all fake bands):
- ☐ Perch Necromancer, Tip-Up Apocalypse
- ☐ The Kettle Morraine, Glacial Erratics
- ☐ Ice Shanty Sabbath, Vol. 4 (Below Freezing)
- ☐ Curd Feedback, Butter Knife Blues
- ☐ Frozen Tundra Stack Attack, Fourth and Forever
- ☐ Door County Doom, Cherry Pit
NAME ________ HOLE NUMBER ________ FAVORITE BAIT ________
*Records arrive frozen into a single cake of ice. You agree to buy 61 more at "club price" ($44.99 + $18 auger fee) before the next thaw. Club not liable if a muskie eats side B.
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THE NORTHWOODS NECK PILLOW™
BEFORE: Can't turn leftAFTER: 8-minute solo
Filled with balsam needles and one (1) mysterious guitar pick.
Wear it on the ride up from Madison. Arrive at the cabin able to shred and complain about the weather.
"I woke up smelling like a Christmas tree and knowing every note of 'Free Bird.'" —Karen L., Stoughton
4 EASY PAYMENTS OF $14.99
May attract deer. May attract your uncle's stories about '82. Not a flotation device for the Yahara.
Parody Ad • As Seen On Late-Night TV
THE SNOW-DAY SETLIST SCRAMBLER™
Are you TIRED of arguing about which song to play when school is cancelled? There's GOT to be a better way!
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!
Order now and get the Salting-Truck Cowbell and a Black-Ice Capo ABSOLUTELY FREE!
1-800-555-SNOW
OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY (they're sanding the driveway)
Cage rated to 11 and to −28°. Do not use during a real blizzard unless the gig is "probably fine." Will only land on Freebird.
Parody Classifieds
ROCK CLASSIFIEDS
WANTED: Rhythm guitarist who owns a snowblower and can play the quiet part of "November Rain" while plowing.
FOR SALE: Half a PA system. Other half is under the ice on Lake Mendota until April. $150 or best offer of brats.
LOST: Our merch table. Last seen chasing a gust of wind toward the Capitol. Reward: one State Street slice.
SERVICES: Will explain the local football team's defensive scheme between songs. Flat rate. Weddings extra.
PERSONALS: SWF, 41, owns a van that starts on the third try, seeks someone who will share a cheese curd AND a monitor mix.
Classifieds are 100% fictional. If this describes your band, please hydrate and call your mom.
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AMAZING INSTANT OPENING ACT!
JUST ADD SODA WATER! WATCH THEM SOUNDCHECK!
Hatch a tiny support band in 24 hours! They play 3 songs, thank the headliner, and vanish into the loading dock!
✂ Send $2.49 + 3 bottle caps to: INSTANT OPENING ACT, P.O. Box 94.1, Portage, WI. Allow 6–8 snow days for delivery.
Opening act will demand a rider of gas-station pizza. Opening act will NOT share a drum riser. "Encores" are a myth.
TAILGATE APPROVED-ISH!
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THE CHEDDAR-WEDGE SHIELD™
Front-row armor that doubles as a conversation starter at the gas station.
"Caught a water bottle, a setlist, and a brat. The shirt underneath lived." —Miguel R., DeForest
ONLY $18.88 (mustard wipe sold separately)
Not OSHA-rated. Not licensed by anybody (we asked; they hung up). Do not use as a sled on Bascom Hill.