NEW!
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SQUEAK-TONE™ CURD-COATED GUITAR STRINGS
Aged 18 months in a Monroe cave. They SQUEAK on every bend, just like fresh curds!
- Bends a full step and a half*
- Stays in tune down to −20°F**
- Smells like the State Fair
"My solos finally have mouthfeel." —Dale K., Sun Prairie
$4.99 per set or 3 lbs. of cheddar
*Bends may go back to curd. **Strings may set up as a brick of Colby. Do not deep-fry before a gig. Not intended for dairy-intolerant bassists.
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12 CASSETTES FOR 1¢
THE ROCK OF AGES TAPE CLUB • NO OBLIGATION!* • NO RETURNS EVER**
✂ YES! Enroll me now. Pick 12 (all fake bands):
- ☐ Tundra Goat, Lake Effect Riffs
- ☐ Moose Lodge Massacre, Members Only
- ☐ Brat Lord, Snap, Sizzle, Destroy
- ☐ The Isthmus Kings, Two Lakes, No Waiting
- ☐ Supper Club Satan, Old Fashioned (Sweet)
- ☐ Frostbite Jovi, Slippery When Icy
NAME ________ ADDRESS ________ FAVORITE POWER BALLAD ________
*You agree to buy 47 more tapes at "regular club price" ($38.99 + $12 shipping each) over the next 9 years. **Tapes will arrive pre-unspooled. The club is not responsible for tapes eaten by your 1987 Buick's deck.
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THE MULLET-MATIC™ RESTORATION HELMET
BEFORE: AccountantAFTER: Opening for Accountant
Shown on a brave styrofoam volunteer. Results in 6 weeks!
Business in the front, STAGE DIVE in the back. Just wear it 23 hours a day for 6 weeks!
"My wife says I look like 1991. She means it as a threat." —Gary P., Fitchburg
3 EASY PAYMENTS OF $19.91
Results not typical. Results not possible. The helmet hums at a frequency only drummers can hear. May cause spontaneous air guitar.
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THE SUB-ZERO SOLO™ HEATED TAILGATE AMP-CHAIR
Are you TIRED of losing feeling in your fingers at the January tailgate? There's GOT to be a better way!
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!
Order in the next 10 minutes and get the Brat-Warmer Cupholder and a Snowplow Fog Machine ABSOLUTELY FREE!
1-800-555-RIFF
OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY (they're wearing two pairs of socks)
Chair rated to 11 and to −40°. Do not operate during lake-ice season unless the ice is "probably fine." Not compatible with sitting.
Parody Classifieds
ROCK CLASSIFIEDS
WANTED: Drummer. Must own van, have dad's permission, and know "all the fast parts." Can't pay, but there's a cooler of Northwoods lager in the garage.
FOR SALE: Haunted half-stack. Only plays Southern-rock jams at 3 AM. $200 OBO, or swap for a snowblower.
LOST: Our bassist, last seen at Brat Fest near the condiments. Answers to "Hey, Bass Guy." Reward: one cheese curd.
SERVICES: Will yell "FREEBIRD" at your event. Hourly rates. Wedding packages available.
PERSONALS: SWM, 52, long hair (some of it), seeks someone to hold my jacket in the pit. No time-wasters, no smooth jazz.
Classifieds are 100% fictional. Any resemblance to your actual band is a cry for help.
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AMAZING INSTANT ROADIES!
JUST ADD BEER! WATCH THEM COIL CABLES!
Hatch your OWN tiny road crew! They set up a drum riser in 4 minutes. They live on gas-station jerky. They'll "be right back."
✂ Send $1.98 + 4 bottle caps to: INSTANT ROADIES, P.O. Box 666, Tomah, WI. Allow 6–8 tours for delivery.
Roadies will unionize. Roadies will NOT carry your bass cabinet. "Crowd surfing" is not a habitat.
BRAT FEST APPROVED-ISH!
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THE MOSH-BIB™
Keep the mustard off the band shirt you paid $55 for.
"I took a stage-diver to the chest and a brat to the face. The shirt survived." —Brenda T., Middleton
ONLY $12.95 (kraut sold separately)
Not a flotation device. Not a security barrier. Do not wear to a funeral unless it's a really good funeral.